


on the inside

by lovelaika



Category: THE iDOLM@STER
Genre: Angst, Gen, body negativity, ill populate this tag myself if i have to, its just kinda sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-28
Updated: 2017-06-28
Packaged: 2018-11-19 20:06:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11320746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovelaika/pseuds/lovelaika
Summary: Kirari was big. When she was upset, she would make herself small.





	on the inside

When she was upset, Kirari would make herself small by curling up tight and bringing her knees to her chin. She couldn’t control how big she was. She didn’t like it either. Making her own clothes was difficult, people always had to crane their necks to talk to her, and she always had to sit at the back of her class so the other students could see the teacher. She’d never show how she felt though, she hated nasty thoughts, especially when it tended to push people further away from her.

She learned to be extra cute when she entered high school. She started middle school average height but kept growing way after the other girls and even some of the boys. In high school, she had gone from “tall” to “scary”. Her cutesy demeanor made her less intimidating. People stopped spreading rumors that she was a delinquent or that she had been held back a year. Even if people whispered about her being “different”, she’d rather be the weird girl than the giantess.

She _was_ a pretty happy person most of the time, though. Just, every once in a while she felt a twinge of sadness or real anger and stuff it down. It came out in moments like this when she was alone in her room late into the night with the curtains drawn and only a desk lamp lighting the room.

This time the trigger was a pre-concert fitting. It was a new outfit to match a new song she was going to perform. Fittings were always nerve-wracking for her, even though the company had her measurements, she was worried it would be too small. The outfit was tight, but she seemed to fit no problem. Then after taking a few steps around the dressing, she tore a seam along her right open. She wanted to cry right then and there, but she still had a rehearsal to do. She ended up just going out in her workout clothes. It wasn’t really the costumer’s fault, they just weren’t used to making an outfit for someone of her proportions. Kirari was not just tall, she was physically large, like a normal human girl had been scaled by a factor of 1.25.

She mused,  _I_ _wish I was more like Miss Takagaki_. Kaede was gorgeous. Tall, but not too tall, with slim proportions that made her look like a true pro model in any outfit. Sometimes Kirari would look in the mirror and try to imagine her butt was slimmer, her thighs didn’t squish together, and her shoulders weren’t quite so broad. Or Yuuki! She’d heard the girl complain about her height, but she was also thin and didn’t have an unmanageable ball of fluff on her head. At least Kaede sympathized with her on that.

Kirari was always happy-happy to be an idol. It really was like a dream sometimes. Being scouted on the street by a (frankly scary looking) man, her audition, and meeting Anzu on the first day. It reminded her of one of their group songs. She started humming as the words worked through her head.

> _This is beautiful like a dream and makes me want to cry_
> 
> _In this bright sky_
> 
> _I found a lonely shooting star_

It was a happy song, mostly, but the first lines always stuck with her. She loved her friends dearly, but she understood that they couldn’t relate to her problems. When she had tried to open up before she been brushed off, or even flat out ignored. Pardon her language, but Anzu especially could be a real ass sometimes. She could afford to be more sensitive when someone she claims to care about is looking for support.

She reminded herself, _no negativity_.

Her eyes were getting heavy now, it was late and she had work tomorrow. She unfurled herself and moved over to the bed. It was a huge mattress with a candy-colored comforter decorated with equally-bright spots and shapes. She crawled in and pulled the blankets over her head. She felt the cold air on her toes, but she was used to it.

As she was about to close her eyes and sleep, her phone chimed. She had no idea who would be texting her this late, only Anzu stayed up this late and she was always busy with her games and anime.

> _Dear Kirari,_
> 
> _I hope you don’t mind me messaging you a bit out of the blue, and I certainly don’t wish to wake you, but um… you helped me when I was not feeling like myself. And if you ever feel that way, or need a friend to talk to I want to do my best to return the favor! Not because I owe you necessarily, but because I want to! Feel free to say no, I don’t want to overstep my bounds. But I just noticed that… well nevermind. Have a goodnihgt and sleep well!_
> 
> _Your friend,_
> 
> _Uzuki Shimamura_

Uzuki was such a dork, it was clear she’d been stressing over the message for a while now (and still got a mistake in). But, Kirari knew she’d been acting a teeny bit different lately. And she remembered when Uzuki went through some hard times as well. It was… sweet that she wanted to help her. _She certainly would do her best!_ Kiraristifled a giggle.

"Okay, Kirari. Get it together," she whispered to herself, "you need to have your Kirarin Power in the morning. Get up-and-at ‘em and have a good breakfast."She wanted to get in her morning run and make some time to post on Twitter for her fans. This was no time for pity parties!

And… well, she had to talk to Uzuki tomorrow.

> ❤❤ _id love to meet up tmrw uzu-chan_ ❤❤

**Author's Note:**

> Something a little shorter this time about thoughts about Kirari I've been cooking for a while. Also, it got weirdly sappy at the end? but hey that's cool with me  
> Also, the song Kirari mentions is Yuubae Present. thanks for reading


End file.
